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While I am waiting…

Sometimes in life, we are in a place where we aren’t for sure what God is wanting us to do. Why am I here? What does He want from me? What am I supposed to do in this “Waiting trial” that seems as if it has gone on for years? If you’ve ever been here before, you know it can be a confusing time, yet a time of huge personal growth. Take this time as a positive experience, instead of one that makes us bitter or angry at where we are at, vs. where you wanted to be. So in this weird waiting stage…I wanted to share some things I’ve learned.

1.) Keep your focus on Christ

2.) Keep serving Jesus as we are supposed to be

3.) Use this time to grow as an individual and do things you know God wants you to do

4.) Do not forget your ultimate purpose behind why we are here

These 4 simple steps seem incredibly easy to follow, but they are much harder to live by. Find your hobbies, work hard, keep furthering your education, make new friends, get involved in church, fellowship with people who help you grow and make you better, and most importantly, continue seeking after Christ and live the best way you can for Him. It is amazing how things slowly fall into place as we “let go” and “Let Jesus” take the wheel. I have learned time and time again that when I have the wheel, I wreck my car and end up in the hospital. Obviously that is a metaphor that stands for this…when Felicia takes the wheel = chaos. When Jesus takes the wheel = things fall into place. Most importantly, I’ve learned that God wants the best for me and loves me with all his heart. He never takes away something/someone, without giving something better. So I challenge you to embrace this time of waiting…no matter what you are waiting on. A new job, a church, friendships, or a relationship…and understand that focusing on other things and continuing to trust in God, will just keep you occupied and help you rely on what you have, instead of worrying over what you don’t. So keep your head high, be thankful Christ has you in this “Waiting Trial,” and use it for good!

I am a Jonah. Are You?

Jonah and the fish…I assume 99% of people have heard the story. But just in case, I will summarize it for ya. So…God tells Jonah to go to Ninevah, a city that is extremely wicked, and tell them that God is going to destroy it in so many days. Jonah does not want to do this, so he flees away to a place called Tarshish. As Jonah tries to escape and avoid going to Ninevah, God places a storm right where Jonah was headed, and a big fish as well. Jonah is thrown oversees and is swallowed by a big fish. We know if this was not of God, any human would not escape alive from this situation. Understanding this was all God’s doing, Jonah eventually comes out of the fish and Jonah tells the Lord that He will go to Ninevah this time. After his duties in Ninevah are fulfilled, God decides to show compassion on the people and not destroy it because many had turned from their sin. At the end of this chapter, Jonah is angry at the situation. He is not overly happy that God saves Ninevah and seems to have an outlook that many would say was inappropriate given the entire situation that had occurred…God decided that he would no longer destroy the city.

Understanding the background story is significant because without that, we cannot grasp why being a Jonah is not always the best person to be like. I humbly admit that there have been too many times in my life that my heart has been like Jonah. I obey God after he “spanks me” and basically says, “Felicia, I created the world, I created you, we can do things your way, or we can do things my way. Either way, you will eventually be where I want you to be because you are my child and I want what’s best for you. I know your path and where you will be the happiest. You think you know, but I actually know. Trust me, I have never let you down.” Many times in life, we do not thank God for our situations, but we try to fight back or convince God that we know best. Jonah is notorious for being disobedient, but God shows us who is ultimately in control. Why do we worry about situations that are so minute in our life when we have a God who has performed so many miracles and still does to this very day? Why do we want to pick our own ways over His ways? Well, that is simple. Sin looks good. It feels good. And it can be fun. However…sin will take you farther than you ever wanted to go, it will keep you there longer than you wanted to stay, and it will cost you more than you ever expected to pay. Sin. That 3 letter word is the answer to your “Why does this keep happening? Why are people so cruel and hurt me? We deserve Hell, but God sent his son for us. We deserve nothing more, yet God sheds His grace on us every single day. Sin is brutal and our pride and self-desires can make us do things that we shouldn’t do. Jonah could have made the simple choice and avoided being in a storm, eaten by a fish, and then spit out, only to go and tell people about Jesus in Ninevah as the Lord wanted him to do all along. However, he chose to run. He wanted to please Jonah, instead of Christ. Now let me talk about chapter 4 of Jonah. This part hits hard. It smacked me straight in the face as I was doing my own personal reading. After Jesus decides to not destroy Ninevah because many had turned from their sins and realized they had not been living the correct way, Jonah is angry about this. So my question is simple…are you a Jonah, too? Do good things happen to people and often times we view ourselves as righteous and heart is envious of their blessings? Why do we do this? Why aren’t we just thankful that God shows compassion on us, although none of us deserve it, we all want it and God grants it to us in different ways and times throughout our lives. This part hurt me as I was reading. Why? I realize that too many times my heart is bitter when God does something different than what we feel He should do. I am ashamed to admit this is a struggle of mine, but it is something that I am constantly trying to work on and an area in my life I want to get better at. I may not show it outwardly, but God knows my heart and I want my thoughts and actions to be pure. Thus, I decided it was worth sharing. If you feel this way…you find yourself looking at others’ lives and wishing something was different in your own life, you may be a Jonah as well. Now Jonah was a prophet and God entrusted Jonah to do something amazing..He got to tell a city that Jesus would destroy their home if their lives did not straighten up. Jonah was used of God and probably had a good heart, but we see that Jonah did not have the kindest spirit about him and that is a shame. If we are being honest, we’ve all been here. Learn from Jonah to just do what Jesus asks you to do the first time and be grateful about it. Understand that even though it may seem unfair in our eyes, that Jesus shows compassion on each of us every single day and none of us get what we deserve. IF that was the only blessing we were ever granted again, we would still have to admit that we are far too blessed than what we deserve.

It was more than a funeral

At the end of last year, I had received devastating news. We have all faced tragedies-big and small, and we all grieve in our own ways. Understanding this, November of 2019 is a month and year that I will never forget. It was during that month, I received news that a friend, past love, and fellow brother of Christ had passed away. This news was mind boggling. I was speechless and heartbroken. Months later, I still cannot say I have fully healed from this news, but I have learned to accept it day by day. He was a friend. He was someone I had fallen madly in love with. He was also a brother in Christ. All that mattered was that he was gone and was never coming back. I was bitter, angry, sad, and every other emotion you could think of. How could this happen? Why did God allow it to happen? Why was he so young? How would his family cope with this? So. many. questions.

Due to the unfortunate circumstances, his family had decided that his funeral would take place in a few months and some things had to be settled first.

Jumping ahead-It was now February and a chapter was about to end, one that I had been dreading for nearly four months now…the funeral. Today was the day, February 8, 2020. It was the day I was going to be saying goodbye until I see him again in Heaven. This was one of the most unique funerals I had ever been to. It was quaint, quiet, and people were mourning over the loss of such a loved, young man. You see, he hadn’t even turned 30. Life was never in his favor, but he was a fighter, had the charm of a prince, the laugh of an innocent child, and eyes that stared deep into your soul. He was special and once you met him, you’d never be the same…I wasn’t. Without going into every gruesome detail, this death was unexpected for anybody that knew him. This was not supposed to happen like this. He had so much more life to live. It was not until that day that I understood there was a purpose. There was a purpose he was now gone. There was a purpose I had befriended him. There was a purpose his family had to go through this. Was it fair? Was it tragic? Why did God allow it to happen? Well, let’s go back to Jonah for a few minutes…and even a step further back-Genesis. We come from a generation full of sin. We are all sinners as soon as we enter into this world. It is our flesh and it consumes us. With that being said, sin is the reason bad things happen, not Jesus. We deserve Hell and nothing else, yet Christ gave his son, Jesus to die for your sins and mine. Understanding that we do not get what we deserve is crucial when dealing with and coping with a loss. Many people blame Jesus, when we should be thanking Him that He sacrificed his one and only perfect son for US. Now back to where I was, my friend was young, but struggled with many addictions. The older I get, the more I have seen addictions and the power they have over people. This funeral gave me the opportunity to say something I had never been given the opportunity before…to say goodbye. That day, I was not just going to a funeral, but I was getting to celebrate my dear friends 29 years of life Jesus had blessed him with. Understanding and believing my friend had a relationship with Jesus, I was able to embrace his death and accept his loss. I knew where he was at and I knew that one day, I would meet him again. The most painful part was his family he left here on Earth, who were the one’s doing the real suffering. That day, on our way out of the funeral, I got the opportunity to write one last letter and put it in a balloon filled with helium. On my way to my car, I released my balloon and it kept drifting higher and higher into the sky. I am well aware this never reached Heaven, but I can say that I had peace in letting my friend go. After months of tears and prayers, I was able to accept that he was better off than I was, his family would survive, and God was ready to meet him as soon as he left his body. So if you are struggling with loss, or letting someone go, I want to leave you with this, as it has helped calm my heart so many times during hardships I’ve faced:

Philippians 1:21-23

“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not. For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ, which is far better.”